Anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness. It might cause you to sweat, feel restless and tense, and have a rapid heartbeat. It can be a normal reaction to stress. For example, you might feel anxious when faced with a difficult problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision. It can help you to cope. The anxiety may give you a boost of energy or help you focus. But for people with anxiety disorders, the fear is not temporary and can be overwhelming.
By Nancy Virden (c)2024 Moods come and go, but depression is a complex mental disorder. Called a “mood disorder”, depression is not a healthy state …
I’m Here For You, And I’m Listening
Isn’t it funny how around this same exact time, last year, I am riding this same exact vibe again. 🤔 Especially that last part, “When no one can see that you are depressed you just want to yell to the world that you’re upset.”
Many times I have wanted to shout what I have been feeling so I can finally just let go and release it. But something inside of me remembers how I have lost too many friends and family because I was “too much for them.” Or I was “burdening them.” So of course we all know when that happens what people resort to. If you said, they tend to keep their inner pain and suffering to themselves, then you are absolutely correct.
Is it healthy? Absolutely not. I know from past experiences, how it can take a mental toll on a person’s mental health or state of mind. However, that’s why I am grateful and thankful for this most amazing, friendly, and supportive community of bloggers. It’s my escape, it’s my go to, it’s my outlet where I can come and feel safe and comfortable sharing my inner pain without judgement or criticism.
It’s almost as if stepping into a coffee shop having a delicious cup of Joe with all my friends, while sharing the depths of my pain that reside within me and not having the slightest fear of being judged or criticized. But let’s not forget all the wonderful laughs and inspirational moments we have along the way, sharing beautiful memories.
I said that because after writing that second to last paragraph, that visualization sprung to my mind.
Every morning after waking up, is like stepping into a virtual coffee shop where I know all my friends, and fellow bloggers will be sitting blogging away on their laptops or phones, inspiring the world with their fantastic stories, poems, blogs, articles, beautiful pictures of everything from flowers to beautiful landscapes.
After grabbing myself a hot cup of coffee the first thing I do is check on my WP friends to see what new thing I will learn or see, reply to comments, and sometimes even write a post or two. Although some mornings are a little more difficult than others due to waking up in agonizing pain and not being able to move or function.
Oooops, sorry I got a little side tracked, now I’m rambling. lol 😂 Anyways, the point I was trying to originally make was despite the days of wanting to scream to the world about my inner sufferings as well as physical sufferings, I know I have a safe and secure place to lash out, pour my feelings out, express exactly what is on my mind without the slightest fear or worry of backlash or harsh judgment or criticism. You All are a huge Blessing!!! ❤️💙🦋
If humans had taglines, what would yours be?
“Abuse is never deserved, it is an exploitation of innocence and physical disadvantage, which is perceived as an opportunity by the abuser.” – Lorraine Nilon, Breaking Free From the Chains of Silence
Why did I choose this tagline? Keep reading…
Here’s a small insight in the Back story to my tagline:
From the time I was 6 years old until I was 19 years old, I suffered horribly from people who were supposed to be the ones to protect me, love me, guide me, give me the tools needed for adulthood. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
March 15, 1981 is the day I was born into this world, to a mother who had already decided my fate, long before I was born. My biological mother and biological father didn’t want me from the get go. They gave me to a family who they thought would be better for me than they could provide. But they were sorely mistaken, their judgement was clouded by their alcoholism.
At just two years old, I was adopted by my half sister and her husband, who I would grow up calling “mom.” and “dad.” I was the only girl out of four boys, who I would grow up calling, “my brothers.” From the time I was six years old is how far back my memory will allow me to remember certain events. Normally, people who can remember that far back, remember good childhood memories and can recall how happy of a child they were, friends they had, even schools they attended.
Most people were blessed with a happy, care free childhood with parents who wanted them, loved them, cared for them, accepted them, made them feel safe, and protected them at all costs. But sadly, that wasn’t the case with my childhood.
I was my adoptive parent’s punching bag when they were having a bad day; mainly from my adoptive father. Blow after blow felt like some horrible nightmare. Not only was I his punching bag but, I was also my adoptive father’s play toy, a sexual fantasy that he would so grossly abuse and manipulate. A toy he would take advantage of without any conscious thought, nor a shred of guilt.
As a child at the very young and innocent age of six years old, I had little control over this monstrous beast and his sick and twisted demise. I was trapped, frozen in fear, with no escape, nowhere to run, feeling so alone. Fighting to break free only made the situation more intense, the more I fought, the harder he would restrain me. The screams weren’t enough to alert the neighbors, nor loud enough to sway him from his relentless pursuit to achieve his sick, demented fantasy.
As I grew up and was old enough to understand and process all the inhumane things that were so cruelly done to me as a child, I never would have imagined I would be a victim of sexual, and physical assault. The mental, emotional, and verbal abuse that came along with it, wasn’t any better.
My childhood was filled with constant fear, mental and emotional pain, anxiety, and depression. I have very little happy memories of my childhood, and times I felt safe. I wish I could sit here and say I had the greatest and happiest childhood, because I know that’s what people in today’s society would want to hear.
But in life, that’s not always the case, by telling my story and getting my story out there, who knows, my story could touch someone and inspire someone who’s also suffered from child abuse. Or who knows, maybe someone who is currently suffering with any type of abuse will gain the courage to step forward and speak out.
Now, with that said, now that you know a little about my back story you can understand a little about why I chose my tagline:
“I’ve had no choice but to be strong.”
To read more of my story, click on the link below and it will take you to my autobiography I’ve been writing since 2018.
I know a lot of you have noticed my writing language has changed within the last few days and may leave you scratching your heads wondering, what has gotten into that woman. 🤔
Well, a simple answer to that would be,
LIFE!…
Life has me spinning 😵💫 in circles, which is causing my mental and emotional health to be in a downward slope.
But I’m here to tell you, I’m not going to apologize for my erratic behavior. Everyone has their good days and bad days. The last few days just happen to be my bad days. Well, if you don’t count my car breaking down last week.
I don’t always have to be strong all the time. This is me, being my authentic self. Not that I haven’t always been, but it seems as though people in my life expect me to be able to keep it all together, all the time. No. It doesn’t work that way. I am human and I have feelings just like everyone else. I am allowed to vent, to be sad, and to be angry.
That’s what makes me human. I’m not some programmed robot who doesn’t have feelings. I’m very much, one hundred percent human, who has real feelings and emotions. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, storms move in when we least expect them. But, with time, I will bounce back, and I will eventually be okay.
I’m not okay,
The weight on my chest,
Crushing me down,
I can’t catch my breath.
I’m not okay,
nothing to numb the pain,
my heart aches,
with unending pain.
I’m not okay,
But I’ll keep fighting,
I won’t give up,
I’ll keep writing.
I’m not okay,
But that’s okay,
I’ll find my way,
To a brighter day.
If anyone has “Life360” on their phones, then you know how it can be a lifesaver, right. It certainly came in handy for me today, a lifesaver in a time of crisis. Thanks to paying $19.99 a month, to receive these services, I was able to get my car towed to O’reileys for FREE. There were no additional out of pocket costs for me. That was a blessing in disguise, especially when I didn’t have a penny to my name.
After contacting “Life360” and getting everything arranged, the tow truck didn’t get there until about 11am. Now mind you, my husband and I had already been broken down for over an hour prior to this. It only took about 10-15 for the tow truck to get our car hooked up to the truck and to arrive at O’reileys.
Shortly after my car gets to O’reileys, my father in law begins the long and tedious job of not only replacing our car battery but also replacing our alternator. Let me tell you, that was a very long and exhausting job for my father in law. Allow me to explain why. With where my serpentine belt is, he had to have a special tool to take off the bolts so he could get to the alternator and replace it.
Well, my father in-law had left that special tool at his house, which is about 45 minutes from here. So my father in-law asked O’reileys if they had that tool he needed and of course, they didn’t. So my father in-law tries to make do with what he had to work with. Roughly, an hour goes by and the tools he is using just aren’t getting the job done. Those stubborn bolts just aren’t coming off, then I hear the words,
“I’m gonna have to bite the bullet.”
I’m thinking, oh great, that’s just more money he is having to shell out for us. 🤦♀️ At this point, I’m already feeling bad enough enough that he had to come all this way to fix our car, now he has to spend more money to buy a tool when he has two at home already. So then, my father in-law came out of O’reileys with the tool he bought and things begin to look promising.
I watch my father in-law put this tool together,
(which I can’t for the life of me, think of at the moment, so please bear with me.)
Anyways, he begins digging down deep to loosen the bolts to my serpentine belt, I then see my husband give me the 👍 sign. *I breathe a sigh of relief.*
At this point, things were going smoothly and my husband and I would be back on the road and back home in no time. Finally, the time arrived. It was after 2pm. My car is all fixed up and everything work’s flawlessly. My car drives so much smoother now, thanks to the generosity of my father in-law.
This whole day has been a very long, stressful, and exhausting day. It may not have started out too well, but it ended well. My husband and I are forever grateful and thankful for my Father in-laws help. He could have simply said no to helping us, but with his kind and warm selfless heart, he came to our rescue. Took the time out of his day to fix my battery and alternator; which happened to be a very long and tedious task.
I also must mention a good friend of mine, who not only used his own vehicle and gas to come out to help us but who also took the time out of his day to try and do what he could to help us.
It’s times like this that having reliable family and friends who can selflessly turn a dark moment into a path that lights the path of Hope.
*ALWAYS CHERISH THE ONES YOU LOVE, ALWAYS TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM, HOLD THEM TIGHT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE LAST TIME YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE. TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED.
Not exactly how I wanted to start my day🥺
After taking my youngest daughter to her drivers Ed 15 miles from my home town, I make it there safely. But the drive back was something I did not plan on happening . Just as we get into town, my car begins to wig out on me and my steering wheel locks up.
There I am stuck at the red light 🚦. I then proceed to turn the car off, in fear of worse things happening. There I am stuck in the middle of the road and my car won’t start. 🙄 So I did what anyone would do and I tried starting it and with my luck it wouldn’t start. So then I tried turning the key until I could get it start.
Finally, I was able to get it started but my steering wheel was still locked up. So I cautiously drive it at a snails speed and pulled it over to the side of the road. There I am stuck on the side of the road without a penny to my name or any tools to at least fix the corrosion on my battery cable. I then call some friends I knew I could rely on, praying they would somehow be able to help us out.
After waiting for what seemed like forever, a good friend of mine shows up, takes a look at my car and at first glance says it’s definitely our battery. I’m thinking ok good. It’s not that big of a deal, we just need a new battery and we’ll be good to go. Yeah wishful thinking! After scraping off the corrosion off the battery cable and putting it back on, putting jumper cables on and charging it, I start my car. Ahhhh! What a relief, it’s starts and my steering wheel unlocks.
Just when I thought my husband and I were in the clear and thought I could drive home, my good friend takes the jumper cables off and surprise, surprise, my car shuts off. I throw my hands up in frustration and am wondering why it shuts off. Then I hear the words “it’s your alternator.” OF COURSE IT IS!! WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG!! That’s just my luck!
“I don’t have the money for an alternator!” “Now, what am I going to do!” Im thinking, I’m certainly not going to just leave my car here to be vandalized or broken into! With my father in-law already on the way here; forty five minutes out, we are stuck. We then proceed to wait and all I could do was laugh at the situation. If I don’t laugh, I will be a ball of tears.
Fast forward forty five minutes or so later, my father in-law shows up, takes a look at my car and sure enough, our alternator is shot! (Here comes the water works.) Life and life’s heartaches, finances, physical chronic pain, family issues, is already stressful enough. At this point, I can’t handle much more.
My stress meter is at its max peak, and rising. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m really trying to be strong and keep it together but with all these things, one after another happening without any sign of relief has got my feathers ruffled.
To be continued…I’ll update you all here soon.
Heartland Echoes 