Paralyzed with pain,
I feel so defeated,
I just can’t win,
a battle, depleted.
Too long it’s been,
of pain and strife.
A turmoil within,
many tears I’ve cried.
Anticipating the day,
of restored normalcy,
trapped in broken decay,
and ways of conformity.
Will gentle waves of time,
set me free,
and wash away, possibly sublime,
and finally let me be?
Copyright ©️ by: Jenny Frye. June 24, 2024. All rights reserved.
This winding road of endless hopelessness has become an increasingly positive change of events, leading to a sign of Hope!
I know a lot of you have possibly seen a change in my writing and may be leaving you scratching your head 🤔 wondering out of curiosity what has changed.
Well for starters, I know some of you know how I have been suffering for quite some time with agonizing chronic pain that has left me cut off from society and being unable to live a normal life. My chronic pain has left me isolated and home bound, which those who suffer with chronic pain can attest to this and can sympathize with me.
Not only that but when a person such as myself suffers with 24/7 chronic pain, forced to be cut off from society, and resorts to a life of misery being home bound, it tends to take a toll on the mental state as well as the emotional state. We begin to lose hope and darkness which encompasses our thoughts and feelings and clouds our judgment in every day life.
Now, with that said I hope I have painted a visual image in your mind so you all know and understand where I am coming from. I will however inform you all that now that I have visited with my PCP regarding a resolve in my chronic back pain, hope is beginning to rise and I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Currently, my doctor has me on steroids AKA a (zpack) to help bring down the inflammation and swelling in the lumbar section of my back.
And I am happy to report that I am noticing a slow reduction of pain and can sorta function a little better than I normally would. This is my second day with the (Zpack) and I hope to continue to feel less pain in the coming days. But wait! There is more! I will be having a CT scan done in the coming days as well, which will be sent to the pain specialist in which I am seeking to have an epidural done by him.
After the pain specialist reviews my CT Scan, they will call me for an initial consultation to determine what steps they need to take regarding my pain. And to see if I am a good fit to have an epidural done or if something more drastic needs to happen.
So like I said above, Hope is on the rise and I am anticipating the day I can go from a 24/7 Level 10 pain to possibly a Level 5 pain. And my mental health as well as my mental state will continue to improve as I won’t have to suffer in constant and agonizing pain like I have over the past several years.
If anyone is suffering in agonizing pain like myself, please know that there still is Hope. Don’t give up. Keep fighting! Keep trying! Find your light at the end of the tunnel. ✨✨
Isn’t it funny how around this same exact time, last year, I am riding this same exact vibe again. 🤔 Especially that last part, “When no one can see that you are depressed you just want to yell to the world that you’re upset.”
Many times I have wanted to shout what I have been feeling so I can finally just let go and release it. But something inside of me remembers how I have lost too many friends and family because I was “too much for them.” Or I was “burdening them.” So of course we all know when that happens what people resort to. If you said, they tend to keep their inner pain and suffering to themselves, then you are absolutely correct.
Is it healthy? Absolutely not. I know from past experiences, how it can take a mental toll on a person’s mental health or state of mind. However, that’s why I am grateful and thankful for this most amazing, friendly, and supportive community of bloggers. It’s my escape, it’s my go to, it’s my outlet where I can come and feel safe and comfortable sharing my inner pain without judgement or criticism.
It’s almost as if stepping into a coffee shop having a delicious cup of Joe with all my friends, while sharing the depths of my pain that reside within me and not having the slightest fear of being judged or criticized. But let’s not forget all the wonderful laughs and inspirational moments we have along the way, sharing beautiful memories.
I said that because after writing that second to last paragraph, that visualization sprung to my mind.
Every morning after waking up, is like stepping into a virtual coffee shop where I know all my friends, and fellow bloggers will be sitting blogging away on their laptops or phones, inspiring the world with their fantastic stories, poems, blogs, articles, beautiful pictures of everything from flowers to beautiful landscapes.
After grabbing myself a hot cup of coffee the first thing I do is check on my WP friends to see what new thing I will learn or see, reply to comments, and sometimes even write a post or two. Although some mornings are a little more difficult than others due to waking up in agonizing pain and not being able to move or function.
Oooops, sorry I got a little side tracked, now I’m rambling. lol 😂 Anyways, the point I was trying to originally make was despite the days of wanting to scream to the world about my inner sufferings as well as physical sufferings, I know I have a safe and secure place to lash out, pour my feelings out, express exactly what is on my mind without the slightest fear or worry of backlash or harsh judgment or criticism. You All are a huge Blessing!!! ❤️💙🦋
“Only great pain, the long, slow pain that takes its time…compels us to descend to our ultimate depths…I doubt that such pain makes us “better;” but I know it makes us more profound;” This quote is attributed to: Friedrich Nietzsche
Goodreads quotes
In a world where there is disease and pain, there are many different levels of pain a person can experience, let alone handle. There is mild pain which means the pain is can be a nagging pain which is considered annoying but it’s not really anything too significant to interfere with daily activities or daily living.
Then you have “moderate pain,” which means it can be a negative distraction during any type of physical activity. It’s tolerable but it can’t be ignored for longer than a certain period of time.
The third type or level of pain a person experiences is called “Severe pain.” Severe pain can be the worst type or level of pain a person can experience. “Severe pain,” is a feeling of great discomfort or intensity that makes it extremely difficult to perform activities or even function in daily life. Even so much so, it can interfere with socialization and going out with family or friends. Which in turn confides a person to their home leaving them feeling cut off from the world, as well as isolated.
Here are different levels of pain intensity and what each one means:
Pain that takes over our senses and limits our daily living, activities, and socializing with family and friends outside our homes.
Intense pain that severely impacts and interrupts our ability to socialize and perform daily activities and tasks.
Excruciating and immense pain that can affect speaking and can cause us to disengage from communication and conversation, replaced with uncontrollable moaning and crying in pain.
Unspeakable and the ultimate worse kind of pain there is on a level scale. This level can and will cause a person to become bedridden. Not only that but, a person’s pain can become overwhelmingly severe, they may even experience hallucinations due to their body not being able to cope with the pain, without intervention.
Now, with that said, no one human experiences pain in the same exact way you do. Nor does anyone who isn’t experiencing your same pain have any right whatsoever to dismiss your pain as anything less than what it is. Your pain is just as important as anyone else’s pain. It’s not a competition. No one person is in more or less pain than you. Take for instance a cancer patient, would you tell a cancer patient to, “suck it up” and “deal with it?” NO! Absolutely not!
Then how is anyone else’s pain any less important? I also must mention that we all heal in different ways. Some heal quicker than others and some take longer than others to heal due having an autoimmune condition/disease or some form of underlying disease preventing them from healing.
Take for example someone like myself who suffers with Level 10 pain on a daily basis. The worst and most significant kind of pain there is. It affects every aspect of my life, including doing something as simple as walking, going to the bathroom, getting dressed, taking a shower, grocery shopping, etc. I have to depend on my husband and kids to help me, which hurts my character and makes me feel so small.
I am the type of person who does not handle pain very well at all. My body has a very low tolerance for pain. I will inform you that I have absolutely no control over that. Can I take pain medications? Yes, absolutely but those are only enough to take the edge off but doesn’t remove all the pain. So don’t you dare sit there and tell me “it’s mind over matter!” I’m here to tell you, THAT IS BS!!
When a person such as myself who suffers with not only Chronic Pain, but Degenerative Disc Disease, (Collapsed Stage), Lumbar Spinal Stenosis, as well as underlying diseases, it’s extremely difficult for my body to heal. Let alone function properly. I have lost all the tissue and cartilage in between my vertebrae’s. The bones in back are constantly rubbing together, which creates friction, and inflammation. Overtime, when the bones are constantly rubbing together it causes erosion. What does that come with? LEVEL 10 Pain!
If I were able to “heal” my body with my mind as well as exercise, yoga, and meditation and replace lost tissue and cartilage in between my vertebrae’s, and automatically be completely out of pain and completely healed, IT WOULD BE A DAMN MIRACLE!!
Some things like exercise, yoga, and meditation is NOT the answer to everything! Yes granted, it could help stimulate the mind and help improve our mood and keep us from getting depressed, as well as improve our mental health and strengthen our muscles. But it is by NO MEANS a physical miracle to heal a body that has already sustained permanent damage.
Degenerative Disc Disease and Spinal Stenosis is a permanent condition and disease, it’s irreversible! Although some doctors may say by surgically altering the discs in the spine may help prolong life and reduce pain, but like I said before, not every human body is going to heal in the same way. Many people who have had spinal surgery are still in remarkable pain despite surgical intervention.
For those of you who do not know what Degenerative Disc Disease and Spinal Stenosis is, read below.
At this stage, the spinal discs undergo irreversible degeneration. To address spine issues, invasive surgery is the only solution available. During the collapsing stage, mobility is significantly compromised.
The fusion of the bones in the spine occurs as a result of the pressure exerted by the spinal column. This fusion is a result of the absence of spinal discs that normally separate the bones in the spine. As the bones fuse, it leads to decreased mobility across various areas of the spine.
You might find it difficult to rotate your body or maintain an upright posture. Additionally, you may experience continuous back pain. At this point, the spinal discomfort will intensify as a result of persistent inflammation and stress on the bones.
Those who reach the collapsing stage often face challenges in leading regular lives. They might find themselves restricted to a wheelchair or confined to bed due to limited mobility and intense pain. Given the seriousness of the collapsing stage, it is crucial to address degenerative disc disease well before it reaches this point.
You will then avoid the consequences of this stage of the disease. You can also avoid more intensive treatments such as surgery.
Source of my information: https://painandspinespecialists.com/what-are-the-stages-of-degenerative-disc-disease/
Spinal stenosis happens when the bony openings (foramina) in the spine start to narrow, reducing the space for nerves. This narrowing can take place in the spinal canal (where the spinal cord is located) and/or in the intervertebral foramina where spinal nerves exit the spinal canal. The compression of a spinal nerve or spinal cord due to this narrowing can lead to pain, tingling, numbness, and weakness, depending on the extent of narrowing and the affected area. To read more about spinal stenosis visit: https://www.spine-health.com/conditions/spinal-stenosis/what-spinal-stenosis
So in conclusion, if you are suffering with constant agonizing pain, just know you are not alone. I get how hopeless you may feel, how discouraged you may feel, how life can feel impossible and lonely. I have had many days where I felt I couldn’t go on, where all I wanted to do was just give up because this pain has been too significant I felt I couldn’t take one more day of it but I have stayed resilient and have tried everything remotely possible to help keep myself going through this storm. I have traveled down many paths to find solution after solution, some with a promise of hope and others not so much.
But I’m here to tell you, DO NOT GIVE UP!!! And DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO DIMINISH OR DISMISS YOUR LEVEL OF PAIN!!! YOUR PAIN MATTERS NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL!!
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects…good times – Anonymous
Hopelessness, emotions high,
I beg the question, why?
What’s the purpose of this pain?
God, answer me, explain!
I’m losing hope,
my faith is dwindling.
darkness has awoken,
this pain is crippling.
God, please set me free,
I’m tired of suffering.
I’m begging you, on bended knee.
Where is your healing, offering?
Copyright ©️ by: Jenny Frye. June 15, 2024. All rights reserved.
I am going to go ahead and apologize now to make you all aware that this will be my only post today due to being in excruciating pain.
From the time I woke up this morning up until now, I have been in agonizing pain, despite every effort of relieving the pain. My home health nurse made a visit today and I informed her that my chronic back pain is getting worse and everything I have tried to alleviate the pain, has failed.
My home health nurse was very understanding, and compassionate, as well as extremely supportive. When a person such as myself suffers with agonizing pain every second of every day, it tends to take a toll on the mind and affects mental health. Not only that but I have been feeling confined strictly to my home and the only socialization I get, is here on WordPress. So it can feel quite lonely and isolating.
So the visit with my home health nurse was quite refreshing, I felt heard and seen. As the visit went on, I felt as if, finally someone gets it, someone knows my suffering. Those of you who suffer in constant and agonizing pain every day, I’m sure can relate to my situation. You want more than anything to live a life without being in pain, you want to be heard and seen, as well as have someone show empathy and compassion.
Hopefully, after my home health nurse passes her notes onto my PCP as well as my insurance, I’m hoping and praying my PCP and insurance will find a solution that’s right for me. All I want is to live again, to live a life pain free or at least in less pain to where I can physically function and walk, not having to worry about sitting down every few minutes. I want to be able to go grocery shopping without being in pain, play with my granddaughter, clean my house, do laundry. You know, normal everyday things.
I want to feel useful, not useless. I want and need to feel like I am doing something to contribute for my family. I just want to feel normal again. As it stands now, I feel completely useless, although my husband tells me I’m not. I use to be a happy and energetic person who loved life, but this chronic pain leaves me absolutely miserable and I feel like all I am is a cripple who doesn’t have a life and can barely walk.
For those of you who suffer from any type of chronic pain and disease, please remember you are not alone. There is someone out there who is also suffering. If you feel hesitant to reach out for support and need someone to talk to, please don’t hold back. Everyone suffers in one way or another, you don’t have to face it alone. You deserve to feel heard and seen. You matter, your pain matters, you are loved, you are worthy!
How is one supposed to live a life of purpose when all your life is filled with is constant around the clock, agonizing chronic pain!?
Suffering with constant around the clock chronic pain has affected every aspect of my life, in more ways than one. How?
Allow me to explain:
Living a life filled with constant chronic pain is a very difficult challenge like no other. It feels as though every aspect of my life is being controlled by this unrelenting force, leaving me feeling helpless and defeated. How is one supposed to find purpose in life when all you can focus on is the pain that never seems to go away?
For me, the effects of chronic pain have been far-reaching. Not only does it impact me physically, but it also takes a toll on my mental health. The constant agony I experience on a daily basis leaves me feeling drained and unable to fully engage with the world around me. It’s discouraging to find joy in simple tasks when every movement is met with excruciating pain.
The loss of mobility that comes with chronic pain is perhaps the most devastating aspect of it all. Being unable to do the things that once brought me so much joy and fulfillment is a constant reminder of the limitations that this pain imposes on my life. It’s easy to feel isolated and alone when I’m stuck in bed while the world continues to move forward without me.
As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, and months turn into years, the mental toll of chronic pain becomes increasingly apparent. Depression, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness has quickly taken hold, making it even more challenging to see a way out of the darkness that pain brings. It’s a vicious cycle that can feel impossible to break free from.
So, how is one supposed to find purpose in life when all they can feel is agonizing pain? It’s a question that I grapple with every day. But despite the challenges that chronic pain presents, I believe that there is still hope for a fulfilling life. It may require a shift in perspective and a willingness to adapt to new limitations, but it is possible to find moments of joy and purpose even in the midst of pain.
Finding purpose in a life filled with chronic pain may involve redefining what success looks like for those of you who suffer with chronic pain. It may mean finding new hobbies or activities that can be done within your physical limitations. It may also involve seeking support from loved ones or mental health professionals to help cope with the emotional toll of pain.
While chronic pain may never fully go away, it doesn’t have to define who you are or what you’re capable of achieving. By finding ways to adapt and thrive in spite of chronic pain, it is possible to live a life of purpose and fulfillment. It may not be easy, but it is worth fighting for.
Heartland Echoes 